Visualize a valve on a pipe running perpendicular out of everyone's belly. As we commence making friends out in the world, we temporarily hook up (not that kind of hook up - shame on you!) with everyone's pipe we meet.
Energy and emotions flow out of the pipes in a back and forth exchange as long as they stay connected. But PIPE OWNERS BEWARE!!
As the designated feeler in my relationships, when someone I was connected to experienced intense emotion, many were more than willing to flow their emotion through the pipe into mine and then close their valve. This left me feeling all the emotions for both of us. And they were free to carry on stress and emotion free.
For example, my child left a project due tomorrow to the last minute. As a good connected mom, I received their anxiety and added to it my own (they can't fail or they'll never graduate and go to college and will end up living in my basement playing video games all day in the same smelly football jersey.) I did the emotional work, and usually the school work as well, for both of us. I, of course, sent them to bed so they'll be rested and ready to learn in school (see above nightmare scenario) and I stayed up past midnight finishing the project.
My husband is treated unfairly and with disrespect at work. He tells me in a calm voice, silently sending his upset from his pipe to mine, and I become livid. How dare they do that? Don't they know how amazing you are? My diatribe goes on all evening while he calmly watch TV and gets ready for bed. I'm doing the emotional work for us both most of the night and he is off the feeling hook and sound asleep.
This process has a name - Tanking. As others "tanked" me through our connected pipes and I took emotions that weren't mine, I acted out the resulting displays of anger, worry, fear, and sadness. Onlookers would see me as the hyper emotional one somewhat out of control and my husband and kids as the calm and stable ones. I started to feel a little insane and even got to the point of feeling sorry for my husband being stuck with a crazy woman like me.
Until one day.
I was watching Making Love Work on VHS (you young kids google it and find out what that was) at 2 am when Barbara DeAngelis said: "You are not crazy. You may feel like it but you are NOT crazy. You have just been doing the emotional work for everyone."
I had been Tanked.
I repeated out loud. "I am not crazy." I cried and smiled at the same time. What a unique concept!! She continued to teach that the key to sanity recovery was to carefully examine in each connected situation, which emotions were mine and which were the other person's. If it was my emotion, I process and handle it. (The Thought Model I use now would have come in very handy then.) If it was someone else's emotion - SHUT MY VALVE!!!! And refuse to open it until they had processed their own emotions.
Husband lost his job? Not mine.
Daughter broke up with boyfriend? Not mine.
Son wrecked my Mustang? MINE!!!
My husband's family reunions were challenging and I would rant for hours afterwards. He would calmly drive into the night saying very little. The first reunion after I learned about Tanking, I shut my valve tight after the reunion. He began ranting. For 100 miles! He was observing and feeling what I had been for years, but for him - the first time. He hadn't needed to feel while I was doing it for him.
After I learned to SHUT MY VALVE, I saw my husband cry for the first time. I also saw him get excited about our son's athletic potential for the first time as well. You see, when someone gets in the habit of Tanking, they don't feel ANY of their emotions. Positive or Negative.
This was a tricky time for my husband. For us both. He was forced to face his own emotions which rocked our relationship for a time. As I kept separating what was mine from everyone else's,
I still ask myself almost daily, Is that emotion or upset mine? If not, then "No Tank You!"
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