Do you WANT to?



I'm experimenting with doing what I want.  I don't believe I've done this in at least 53 years.

I'm one of those "good" moms who if asked what they want, try to second guess what everyone else wants and picks that.  A real people pleaser hyped up on ... shall we say, Chocolate.

I've done things for lots of reasons:

  • I should
  • Mom said so
  • I can
  • Dad said so
  • To show off
  • Big sis said so
  • I don't have a legitimate excuse not to
  • Best friend said so
  • I'll be in trouble if I don't (guilt)
  • Neighbors said so
  • I'll make a memory
  • The Law said so
  • I don't want to disappoint anyone
  • My church said so
  • I said I would 
  • God said so

Where is "I want to" on that list?  Let me think - AWOL

Maybe sometimes "I want to" coincided with one of the above but it was never the first reason.  It's not like the things I want to do are exotic (pole dancing) or dangerous (free climbing) or against the law (ok, I do speed whenever I safely can), or breaking a commandment (except coveting size 8 maybe. Or lusting after - wait for it - chocolate cheesecake.)

But wanting to do something was never the guiding principle.  I remember asking my mom in her 60's (I'm 63 now) when she came for a visit, "What would you like to do today?"  I truly wanted to serve her and if possible do whatever she wanted.  It was shocking that she couldn't think of one thing.  I swore right then I'd never be like that.  But wait - I became just like that.

When did doing what I want become this
      tricky
           guilt-ridden
               heavy experience?

When did I think that you only get so many "I Want's" in life and so they must be budgeted so as not to be caught being too "self-indulgent?"

Flip side is NOT doing what I DON'T want to do.  Just because I DON'T want to. No other spin.

Last week I tried it.  Spoiler alert - NOTHING HAPPENED!!!

There was a ladies meeting at our church.  I've been in charge before and I know you plan hard, work harder, and hope someone comes.  But this time, I wasn't in charge and I tuned into DEB and found that she really didn't want to go.  At all.  Not a crumb.  Nothing.  Nada.  And what I really wanted to do was take a hot bath to soak my aching body and watch an episode of Downton Abbey (yep, I'm a big fan.)

So I tested the waters of "I don't want to" and the flip side of that coin "I want to" and it was a heady, exhilarating moment of seeing I had CHOICE.  Whoa!  I had a glorious evening.  Without a serving of guilt.  I choose.

Not sure how different life is going to look.  I am going to a service project today that isn't as fun as a hot bath and another episode.  But I'm choosing to go because I want to.

How often have I done things out of a sense of obligation or guilt that I really did want to do but only led with the forced thoughts instead of the free will thoughts?  The result of those forced thoughts never brought joy and contentment.  And I missed the secret I kept even from me, that I really wanted to be there or do that.
What if my life actually is just the way I choose it to be - but I just forgot to choose? 

I've got to be careful with this new toy of doing it because I DO want to or not doing it because I DON'T want to.  I tend to pendulum swing far left - then far right (not politically however) and over time find a happy medium. So beware as I learn how to operate this new found choice concept.  I'll be asking myself a lot "What do you want to do, Deb?"

What do YOU want to do?  For reals.







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