Aching, throbbing, shooting, chronic.
Limiting, debilitating, crushing, mysterious.
Activity cancelling, sleep robbing, mood destroying, death wishing.
It's a curse. Knowing that I will wake up with tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. Dreading getting up in the morning to fight through another day on will power alone. Dreading going to bed at night to fight through another night of fitful naps between painful awakenings. Those not in pain tell me to find the blessing in it. There is a lesson in it. See how it is perfect for me to be in pain.
Those people - I would like to cause them pain. But I don't simply because they just don't get it. And I'm glad they don't get it. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. (Well, except maybe the lady that doesn't tell you there is toilet paper stuck to your shoe and your skirt is stuck in your panties as you leave the restroom.)
They hurt, they heal, it goes away. I hurt, I don't heal, it never goes away.
One pain fades as another spot hurts louder. My brain can only focus on the "choir" of pain music that sings the loudest. I accumulate painful locations through the years. It started with my right knee in 1998. After 3 knee replacements (do the math - I'm not in the Greatest Show cast, I only have 2 knees), a hip replacement, shipments from countless offers that promise pain relief, and upwards of $50,000 in the last 20 years I now have shoulders in trouble. Rotator cuff they say. Another surgery or two. Would that surgery brought pain relief. That hasn't been my experience.
My experience?
Depression. From lack of sleep.
Weight gain. From lack of sleep.
Lack of sleep. From lack of painlessness.
Interesting that there isn't a word for living without pain that doesn't include the word pain. I will work on one.
Thoughts I've had about PAIN over the years:
- I should not hurt.
- A loving God should not let his cherished daughter hurt.
- When I hurt, I must find someway to stop the pain.
- Pain is the worst experience of humanness.
- I can't fully live my purpose in pain.
- I will start living when the pain is gone.
- I will spend all I have to stop the pain.
- Pain determines my day - what I do, think, feel, accomplish.
(Sidenote about #2: When I want to tell God what to do and feel angry that he doesn't comply, I'm liable to start a fight with God - and that should keep me occupied for quite some time.)
Knowing that thoughts about a circumstance (PAIN) can affect emotions, actions, and results, I've been experimenting with different thoughts I could have about PAIN:
- There are lessons to learn from pain. (You know who gave me that one.)
- I'm being punished for some adolescent sin. (My dad was Catholic.)
- I did this to me somehow. (Too many MnM's, bucking authority, feeling unsupported, etc.)
- Other people live in pain. (My compassion chip has truly grown in the last 10 years.)
- I don't know how long I can live like this. (Futile thought - I'm here until I'm not.)
Here's one I'm trying out this week:
I can live well with pain.
- I've spent the greater part of the last 20 years running from pain - if I stayed busy enough and kept a full schedule of "must do's", I could push myself beyond the pain.
- I've tried drugging the pain - ended up in a recovery center learning to live unmedicated again after a complete blackout episode from pharmaceutical overmedication prescribed by my knee surgeon. I came into the kitchen and saw all the countertops loaded with bags of groceries. I was the only one home. I was confused. I had no memory whatsoever of the obvious trip I'd made to Walmart, shopped, loaded the car, unloaded the car and here was the evidence.
- I've tried energy work to "cure" the emotional roots of the pain. I've forgiven everyone on the planet even BEFORE they do anything in a remote proximity. I've processed my mom, dad, sister, all 5 kids, the neighbors, the neighbor's dogs.
- I've become Pollyanna and played the glad game all day being happy despite the pain.
- I've eaten the pain and gained 70 pounds.
Now I'm going to try to LIVE WELL WITH PAIN. Is it possible to have a rubbish physical day and not have a rubbish emotional and mental day also? Or a dreadful emotional day and not dread out my body and mind?
Is it possible to live with pain like I live with blue eyes? It just is a fact of my beingness. If I remove the thought that there's something terribly wrong every time I hurt, can I reduce my suffering about my suffering?
I'm guessing the little things are going to become pretty significant - like a sunset, the breeze on sweaty skin, cool water chilling my belly, the first handful of movie popcorn, catching the eye of my sweetheart sharing a private joke in a crowd.
What does it take to LIVE WELL?
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