Sisters, Sisters, Never Were There Such Devoted Sisters

My sister doesn't communicate with me.  (Just a thought)

Fact:  Since my mother died March 30, 2012, I've had a handful of texts from my sister.  Usually in response to one of mine.

Thought: (Opinion and judgement) Or a text scolding me.  Older sisters never let us little sisters grow up cause I guess we just aren't capable, even at 63, of getting it right.

That's it.  

Fact: I've sent cards, emails, texts, and birthday gifts (she's a Christmas baby and has always felt slighted but I've always remembered.) And...

nothing in return.

I confess, without the Chocolate this time, that I've sent letters to a friend in Virginia to mail for me so she didn't recognize the mail stamp in case she threw my letters away without reading them.  And notes on our mother's hand painted stationery.  And controversial cards.  Anything to get a response.  Ok, I AM THE LITTLE SISTER!  My job has always been to bug her at least a little.

Thought Smorgasbord:

She's so rude.
        She hates me.
               I did something wrong.
                        Now I'm all alone - no one else shares my childhood.
                               I'll show her.  
                I'll stop communicating right back. 
       I can be just as rude.
That'll make sure we NEVER communicate.

This is where I create misery or peace.  All the above thoughts will never bring peace but keep the agitation going maybe for decades.  And they are all FICTION.  Yep, I made them up.  My opinion.  My labels.  My judgement.

If it was TRUE that she was rude and hates me, everyone would be able to agree.
Some people would actually enjoy zero communication from a sibling.  You know who you are.

As soon as I add adjectives and judgement, it becomes a THOUGHT not a FACT.  Don't you hate facing truth sometimes??!!  Sometimes I'll defend my Thoughts as Facts to the death!!
But a thought is very different from a fact.  The thought is what makes things happen. A fact is simply what happened. Neutral. Powerless.

Believing those thoughts, I stop sending her anything (totally NOT my nature - I love to send cards and packages and find excuses to do such) and intentionally "forget" her birthday (like there's no other worldwide celebration that could possibly bring to remembrance who else's birthday December 25th is) and all that takes a lot of focused anti-attention energy.

And the result is I don't even get a response text from her because I'm not sending the first text.  And I don't communicate with my sister.

BUT ... I don't want to feel the way I feel with those thoughts.  It changes me.  I don't work at my finest when I'm angry or hurt all the time, feeding the pain with more thoughts that create more anger and hurt until pretty soon I've got stomach pains, angina, and I never feel completely happy.

And of course, then I eat to "feel better" which makes me gain weight and since when did

THAT ever make me feel better?  And taking up more space on the planet does in no way result in my sister connecting with me.

It hurts to be ignored.  "Ghosted" my kids say it's called.  When someone who you used to connect with just stops texting, calling, and doesn't answer your texts or calls.  So I've been Ghosted. By my sister.

There are many times I wish I had a sister - especially when I see my daughters treat each other so carefully and prayerfully and have such fun together (along with the inevitable epic battles described so objectively to me over the phone, as I remain solidly Switzerland.)  I WANT ONE OF THOSE, I think.  A real sis who's in my face, in my heart, in my life.

It looks like that's not happening any time soon - or any time at all.  So..................

What's available is the smorgasbord of possible thoughts.  If they are all fiction, then I'm going to make one up that gets me what I want - peace and freedom to continue being authentically ME.

1. I am a great sister who reaches out with love. - (I'm picking this one.)
2. I reach out to her with love and prayer.
3. My sister doesn't call or text me and that's ok.
4. I can choose who to have relationships with and so can she.

Fact/Circumstance:                                         My sister doesn't text, call or write to me.
Thought about the FACT:                              I am a great sister who reaches out with love.
Emotion I'm created from the THOUGHT: Self-respect
What do I do when I feel Self-Respect: 

• Continue reaching out
• Thinking of her and letting her know
• Cards
• Letters
• Gifts
• Not complain to anyone (my husband thanks me for this)
• Pray for her
• Take full responsibility for my actions in our relationship (I can still be a bratty little sis)

Here's what I get:  Peace.  Satisfaction that I'm a great sister.  The door is still open.

Here's a perfect sister quote:

If you don't understand how a woman can both dearly love her sister and want to wring her neck at the same time, you were probably an only child.  Linda Sunshine

Luckily, I was not.  Time to find a great sister card - one to make her laugh.