We became empty nesters I think 4 times total. A few grown kids needed a haven a few times. (So far so good - but when you live in a tiny 2 bedroom in Hawaii and one bedroom is my office, it's not a boomerang kid magnet.)
The first time, I had a great awakening, alone with my husband for the first time in 30 years. I was ready to pick up right where we left off on our honeymoon. He was playing his video game. I didn't have anywhere I had to go or anything or anyone that I needed to take care of. And he was playing his video game. I thought he'd had a countdown mantra and couldn't wait to be able to spend all his spare time with me now that the kids were grown. And he was playing his video game.
You see, while I'd been treading water keeping the family ship afloat, he'd adjusted to that high level of buffer zone between us and was quite content with how things were. He had been doing what he wanted with his spare time for decades. I hadn't had any spare time. And now I wanted him to fill mine up with romance and fun. But he was happy with his routine. I didn't have my own life - never had - and I was lost.
Now what? Who was he? I'd carried a vision of my husband from 30 years ago for 30 years. But wait - he had changed and so had I. Who was I? I had also carried a vision of myself from 30 years ago for 30 years. What if the current HE and the current ME didn't have a single connection outside of the 5 humans we had spawned? This was the perfect storm for a divorce. And some serious overeating to try to ward off the divorce talk.
If you wonder which emotion went with that thought, it was PANIC. We hadn't stayed together just for the kids. But maybe we hadn't stayed together. Or at least never talked about goals beyond getting the last one graduated. I didn't want to be a statistic - the middle aged divorce.
So now the real work must begin. How to fall in love again as two middle aged people who were no longer putting our best foot forward due to the familiarity that comes with all the life experiences we'd shared - births, miscarriages, injuries, weight gain, weight loss, weight regain, delinquent teens, divorced kids, 8 weddings (do the math - we have 5 kids), death of our precious grandson, death of our parents, 16 moves, 8 jobs, starting our own business, and my 8 surgeries to name a few.
We chose to stay together. Several times - in between putting the lawyers number on speed dial. But we saw our marriage as a monument to the lives we swore to join forever. And we use all possible resources to make it yummy fun again- counseling, marriage retreats, date night (even though we are home alone all the time), marriage guidebooks (I particularly love the Fill In the Questions kind) and we intentionally think the thoughts that will generate the emotion of love. Love is a decision. We can be each other's objects of affection and he can be who he is and I can be who I am. Might mean some separate vacations - I want to travel the world, He is a homebody. And that's ok.
And it AIN'T easy - but it's worth it. Most of the time! The thing is - he still makes me laugh.
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