I've asked for 3 in my life. I didn't get them. Why is not a useful question to ask. But it is there just the same.
My beautiful 10 month old baby girl, Jae, became deaf after a vaccination. I studied every reference on healing in my scriptures and underlined in orange the word DEAF. We fasted, prayed, prepared for a blessing, asked in faith and we were told by the spirit "Not now." My daughter is now grown, a wife and mother dealing with the impatient hearing world and lip reading, sign language, and handling misinformation from missed information.
My darling grandson, Mikah, was born with a congenital disease, Gaucher's. No cure, minimal treatment, pain and suffering - for him and his parents and for his grandma watching all of them hurt. Again we studied, prepared, fasted and prayed and he died July 17, 2005.
My joints started degenerating at 41 with first one knee, then the other, then a hip, now a shoulder. I live in almost constant pain, making it hard to sleep, walk, sit, stand, live. I had faith that I could be be healed. At 63, I have both knees replaced, one hip, shoulder surgery set for next year, and still chasing pain relief.
Aren't these righteous desires? Wouldn't healing bring faith and hope to many? Couldn't our praise to the Lord fill our spiritual cups for a lifetime? Couldn't she serve the Lord and her family better if only she could hear again? Couldn't I serve the Lord better if I could move, have mental clarity after sleeping, travel and teach, take care of my family, if only I was blessed with relief from the pain?
Here's our conversation after watching Breakthrough - a movie about a dramatic life saving miracle.
Me: I hurt too much to do my day. I want to sleep instead. Coach the Coach!
Jae: I went to Breakthrough and left feeling jealous and upset. Why aren't my faith and prayers enough to cure my ears? I'm grumpy today and can't coach you. I'm hitting the Mountain Dew and binge watching Big Bang Theory. Try it. Oh wait, you're chocolate and Downton Abbey. At least it's not snowing in your yard.
Me: I had the same reaction to the movie. Miracles are hard for me. Either EVERYONE gets one or NO ONE gets one. That's the only way they make sense.
Jae: I don't like them. Why, why, why when we have the full power of God and truth and faith do physical miracles seem impossible to reach? It's His will not mine. But WHY THEM and NOT ME? my soul screams often. I hate being deaf. It might be why I have a hard time loving myself. Where is my healing?
Me: I think the message of "Ask and Ye shall receive" is to ask for the meaning, the comfort, the understand, the power to continue. We don't place "orders" with God. Prayers are not letters to Santa. We won't get all that we ask for because we are spiritual toddlers wanting to play in the street.
Jae: Still
Me: Faith and trust demonstrates that God is God and knows best regardless of what we think we know is best. HARD!
Jae: I appreciate the ways being deaf has brought me my husband, my son, my job. Why can't I be healed now?
Me: I don't know. I'm so bloody tired of pain. I'm the woman with the issue of blood. Where's the Savior's robe? I'd crawl to touch it. Yet still I hurt. My Hawaiian friend moved Monday night. It was a tropical downpour. She prayed for relief from the rain long enough to get things moved. Literally 1 minute before the first item went out to the truck, it stopped raining. Completely! It began again 1 minute after the last item went into the new house.
Jae: See!!! I want some of that power!
Me: Do miracles happen more to those who can't take care of themselves and us "self-reliant to a fault" ladies get to evolve and becoming amazing on our own? I am not able to "Let the Lord take care of me." As a little girl I memorized and have lived: Pray as if everything depends on the Lord and work like everything depends on me.
Jae: Maybe it's the size of the miracle that we're expecting and we're not seeing the other miracles. I thanked God last night for those miracles I have received and I apologized that I just only wanted this one - to hear again. In this life. I'm trying to be patient. I want more than understanding. I just want it to stop.
Me: Me too.
My mom shared this idea - the "I Don't Understand" closet
There are a LOT of boxes on that shelf in my closet. Over time, some boxes come out of the closet, the box now full of understanding. Most are still waiting. Miracles are in a BIG box.
There's so much I don't understand that some days I just make a list of what I DO understand so I can feel like I'm getting some of this earth life's lessons. I'm trying a new thought: I can live well with pain.
My beautiful 10 month old baby girl, Jae, became deaf after a vaccination. I studied every reference on healing in my scriptures and underlined in orange the word DEAF. We fasted, prayed, prepared for a blessing, asked in faith and we were told by the spirit "Not now." My daughter is now grown, a wife and mother dealing with the impatient hearing world and lip reading, sign language, and handling misinformation from missed information.My darling grandson, Mikah, was born with a congenital disease, Gaucher's. No cure, minimal treatment, pain and suffering - for him and his parents and for his grandma watching all of them hurt. Again we studied, prepared, fasted and prayed and he died July 17, 2005.
My joints started degenerating at 41 with first one knee, then the other, then a hip, now a shoulder. I live in almost constant pain, making it hard to sleep, walk, sit, stand, live. I had faith that I could be be healed. At 63, I have both knees replaced, one hip, shoulder surgery set for next year, and still chasing pain relief.
Aren't these righteous desires? Wouldn't healing bring faith and hope to many? Couldn't our praise to the Lord fill our spiritual cups for a lifetime? Couldn't she serve the Lord and her family better if only she could hear again? Couldn't I serve the Lord better if I could move, have mental clarity after sleeping, travel and teach, take care of my family, if only I was blessed with relief from the pain?
Here's our conversation after watching Breakthrough - a movie about a dramatic life saving miracle.
Me: I hurt too much to do my day. I want to sleep instead. Coach the Coach!
Jae: I went to Breakthrough and left feeling jealous and upset. Why aren't my faith and prayers enough to cure my ears? I'm grumpy today and can't coach you. I'm hitting the Mountain Dew and binge watching Big Bang Theory. Try it. Oh wait, you're chocolate and Downton Abbey. At least it's not snowing in your yard.
Me: I had the same reaction to the movie. Miracles are hard for me. Either EVERYONE gets one or NO ONE gets one. That's the only way they make sense.
Jae: I don't like them. Why, why, why when we have the full power of God and truth and faith do physical miracles seem impossible to reach? It's His will not mine. But WHY THEM and NOT ME? my soul screams often. I hate being deaf. It might be why I have a hard time loving myself. Where is my healing?
Me: I think the message of "Ask and Ye shall receive" is to ask for the meaning, the comfort, the understand, the power to continue. We don't place "orders" with God. Prayers are not letters to Santa. We won't get all that we ask for because we are spiritual toddlers wanting to play in the street.
Jae: Still
Me: Faith and trust demonstrates that God is God and knows best regardless of what we think we know is best. HARD!
Jae: I appreciate the ways being deaf has brought me my husband, my son, my job. Why can't I be healed now?
Me: I don't know. I'm so bloody tired of pain. I'm the woman with the issue of blood. Where's the Savior's robe? I'd crawl to touch it. Yet still I hurt. My Hawaiian friend moved Monday night. It was a tropical downpour. She prayed for relief from the rain long enough to get things moved. Literally 1 minute before the first item went out to the truck, it stopped raining. Completely! It began again 1 minute after the last item went into the new house.
Jae: See!!! I want some of that power!
Me: Do miracles happen more to those who can't take care of themselves and us "self-reliant to a fault" ladies get to evolve and becoming amazing on our own? I am not able to "Let the Lord take care of me." As a little girl I memorized and have lived: Pray as if everything depends on the Lord and work like everything depends on me.
Jae: Maybe it's the size of the miracle that we're expecting and we're not seeing the other miracles. I thanked God last night for those miracles I have received and I apologized that I just only wanted this one - to hear again. In this life. I'm trying to be patient. I want more than understanding. I just want it to stop.
Me: Me too.
My mom shared this idea - the "I Don't Understand" closet
- Put my Why's and things I don't understand in a box.
- Give it to the Lord.
- Store it in my "I Don't Understand" closet.
There are a LOT of boxes on that shelf in my closet. Over time, some boxes come out of the closet, the box now full of understanding. Most are still waiting. Miracles are in a BIG box.
There's so much I don't understand that some days I just make a list of what I DO understand so I can feel like I'm getting some of this earth life's lessons. I'm trying a new thought: I can live well with pain.
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