I love manuals so much that I created a virtual one for every one that matters in my life. Each person's name is emblazoned across the front of the book. Inside is a Table of Contents listing every possible situation and what they should do to make things work, outlining how I would like them to behave so that I can feel good and be happy. I'm very detailed in my protocols and I know EXACTLY they must do, or
SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG!!!
The manual with my husband's name on it is the biggest and very intricate. It has sections on how he should:
- hang the towels - preferably NOT on the unmade bed
- react to my mistakes - there was that one time I made one - hehe
- speak to me when I'm upset, when I'm tired, when I'm lonely, when I'm horney
- answer the phone
- dress for different occasions - he should know that black shoes with a brown suit is right out
- listen when I vent - even my marathon vents
- show affection and know when I'm not in the mood
- want what I want and enjoy the ballet
- spend his spare time
- and on and on.
The holiday and birthday section is very large with specifics on gifts that are appropriate, greetings, enthusiasm levels for celebrations, and how to's with the kids and now grandkids (I had to add a whole new section when our oldest son had his first son.) There is a detailed standard for every aspect of our lives together.
Two problems prevent the manual from creating a perfect life together:
1. He hasn't read the Brett manual. (He may not even be aware there is one.)
2. He rarely ever follows the Brett manual, even by accident. (Men and directions, right?)
If he would only follow my manual for him, we could have the best life. I would feel even more love for him. My life would be so much happier. And so would his. When he doesn't even crack the cover of the manual and continues to live his life HIS way, I feel unloved and unimportant to him. How rude!
However, I've been thinking lately that I'm very lucky being married to my husband. He doesn't have a Deb Manual. He has no expectations for my behavior. He just loves me, accepts what I do, and fills his own needs around what I'm doing ie. sandwiches when I didn't fix a meal, throwing his work shirts in the wash if he's out of shirts, staying home when I rush off to girl's night with nary a comment. I'm been royally spoiled.
What would I do if he DID have a Deb Manual? How would I feel if he had a prescribed way I SHOULD act 24/7? How would I feel if I had to behave a certain way every day so he could feel good, so he could love me, so he could feel important? Even if I didn't want to. I'd HATE it. I don't WANT to carry that responsibility for his daily happiness.
Brooke Castillo, Master Coach Instructor, gave me a profound idea that I have been pondering for 2 years now.
What if his only job as my husband is to live his life exactly as he is and just be there as an object of my affection so that I have someone to love? What if he meets his needs and I meet mine and the rest is just a party?The truth is, he doesn't have the power to make me feel happy - that power lies only within me. I don't have the power to make him feel happy. My emotional life is NOT tied to his behavior unless I give away my power to him. We are both responsible for our own happiness and for filling our own needs. Imagine both of us coming together, needs already filled, for the sole purpose of loving each other. Now that would be a party.***
I've decided I'm going to burn ALL my manuals. Bring some marshmallows. I'll bring the graham crackers and, of course, the chocolate! S'mores are on me.
***But he still needs to shave and brush his teeth before the party begins!! Wink wink
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