Selective Selfishness on YOUR part not theirs.
I trained my children how to treat me, but I also train my children how to treat their spouses. Especially my sons. If I meet his every need as his mama and make live as easy as possible for him, he's likely to expect his sweet wife to do the same. (And I want my daughter-in law's to love me.)
You already know how I feel about the word "Selfish." So let's call it Selective Self-Interest, those times when I put myself at the TOP of the priority list.
Sometimes it can be all about me? And the earth does not slip off its axis and the sky doesn't fall?
Did you know that's ok?
YEP!
I officially give you permission to try it - for posterity's sake. as well as yours. Your daughter-in-laws will thank you for it.
I'm not invisible. I am not my role, my chores, my quiet unappreciated service, my sacrifice for the family. I think that's my ticket to another role - doormat.
I am a person. I deserve a piece of the family pie of time, energy, money. My children will only learn that if I believe it. They watch me to see how I treat myself.
Is my time important?
Are my clothes important?
Do I have interests outside my family?
Who was I before kids?
Back before cell phones (the pioneer days or the time when people talked to each other face to face - no opinion here), I'd clear schedules with my kids before they left for school. They knew they had better be waiting for me to pick them up when and where we decided on. And sometimes they had to wait. Because, as I told them several many times, "My time is more valuable than yours. If someone has to wait, it won't be mom."
When my sons see that I do not live to serve them, but that we live together in a give and take energy, they will learn to love the unique gifts of their mama and learn that women flourish when they take the time to learn, create, experiment, earn money, build businesses AND love and raise a family.
We women are so multi-faceted and thrive on diversity of using our gifts, even gifts that don't readily coincide with family life. I love to analyze, dissect, investigate. Could be from my dad who was a legal investigator for the New York City Transit Company. I also love to critique (fancy word for criticize) and I'm a master at seeing what's wrong. I would be a remarkable quality control expert or a business consultant. I could show them what they're doing wrong post haste. But I never got to use those natural gifts because I didn't look outside of family for growth.
Luckily my sons are progressive and realized how much there was to their wives. Both daughter-in-law's have businesses, interests, hobbies, AND children and their marriages are richer, fuller, and more satisfying than if my sons expected their wives to be self-sacrificing servants in their homes. I think my sons have become the best husbands, hands down!!
I think everyone is an example - some what to do and some what "NOT" to do. I was a what "NOT." The boys paid attention as I woke up and realized there was more to life. But I was 53 when they heard my story - a literal story that I had made up about how it was supposed to be. And they did things differently in their homes. PTL (Praise the Lord)
Their wives are on their own "To Do" lists. Sometimes at the top, sometimes the middle, but NEVER on the bottom. My daughters have also watched and learned. I'm so glad. That's evolution - improvement and adaptation to the environment each generation.
Now if my mother-in-law had just known some of this enlightened philosophy! I'm still catching her HER son up with the times. And I must report, he's doing really good. He did the dishes tonight while I wrote this blog!! Selective Self-Interest. Tomorrow I'll do dishes while he goes fishing.
Maybe.
I trained my children how to treat me, but I also train my children how to treat their spouses. Especially my sons. If I meet his every need as his mama and make live as easy as possible for him, he's likely to expect his sweet wife to do the same. (And I want my daughter-in law's to love me.)
- Like missing my art class to give him a ride to a party at a friend's house.
- Like staying up late and sending him to bed while I finish his laundry cause he needs a specific shirt tomorrow.
- Like letting him have the last piece of chocolate cheesecake.
You already know how I feel about the word "Selfish." So let's call it Selective Self-Interest, those times when I put myself at the TOP of the priority list.
Sometimes it can be all about me? And the earth does not slip off its axis and the sky doesn't fall?
Did you know that's ok?
YEP!
I officially give you permission to try it - for posterity's sake. as well as yours. Your daughter-in-laws will thank you for it.
I'm not invisible. I am not my role, my chores, my quiet unappreciated service, my sacrifice for the family. I think that's my ticket to another role - doormat.
I am a person. I deserve a piece of the family pie of time, energy, money. My children will only learn that if I believe it. They watch me to see how I treat myself.
Is my time important?
Are my clothes important?
Do I have interests outside my family?
Who was I before kids?
Back before cell phones (the pioneer days or the time when people talked to each other face to face - no opinion here), I'd clear schedules with my kids before they left for school. They knew they had better be waiting for me to pick them up when and where we decided on. And sometimes they had to wait. Because, as I told them several many times, "My time is more valuable than yours. If someone has to wait, it won't be mom."
When my sons see that I do not live to serve them, but that we live together in a give and take energy, they will learn to love the unique gifts of their mama and learn that women flourish when they take the time to learn, create, experiment, earn money, build businesses AND love and raise a family.
We women are so multi-faceted and thrive on diversity of using our gifts, even gifts that don't readily coincide with family life. I love to analyze, dissect, investigate. Could be from my dad who was a legal investigator for the New York City Transit Company. I also love to critique (fancy word for criticize) and I'm a master at seeing what's wrong. I would be a remarkable quality control expert or a business consultant. I could show them what they're doing wrong post haste. But I never got to use those natural gifts because I didn't look outside of family for growth.
Luckily my sons are progressive and realized how much there was to their wives. Both daughter-in-law's have businesses, interests, hobbies, AND children and their marriages are richer, fuller, and more satisfying than if my sons expected their wives to be self-sacrificing servants in their homes. I think my sons have become the best husbands, hands down!!
I think everyone is an example - some what to do and some what "NOT" to do. I was a what "NOT." The boys paid attention as I woke up and realized there was more to life. But I was 53 when they heard my story - a literal story that I had made up about how it was supposed to be. And they did things differently in their homes. PTL (Praise the Lord)
Their wives are on their own "To Do" lists. Sometimes at the top, sometimes the middle, but NEVER on the bottom. My daughters have also watched and learned. I'm so glad. That's evolution - improvement and adaptation to the environment each generation.
Now if my mother-in-law had just known some of this enlightened philosophy! I'm still catching her HER son up with the times. And I must report, he's doing really good. He did the dishes tonight while I wrote this blog!! Selective Self-Interest. Tomorrow I'll do dishes while he goes fishing.
Maybe.
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